Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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