im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
