I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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