the condom got lost in my hair
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
