For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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