rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
this just has baby written all over it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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