All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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