is your mom at the bar?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
