11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to sanitize my soul.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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