She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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