I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
