The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
