After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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