im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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