I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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