Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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