I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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