I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
