What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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