I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
