1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
