I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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