Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
