Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
