I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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