dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
