If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You can't special order awesome
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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