There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
