the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
