Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
