Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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