: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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