decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
