My friends, they love my intelligence
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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