some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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