my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
