did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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