Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
