Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Congratulations! We have a period
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
