I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
