matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
