I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
