Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
