but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
