I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
