God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
