Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
