Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I want her autograph on my taint
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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