I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
