I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
